I came across this Dear Therapist submission. And it made me realize I should’ve documented these moments of frustration too.
Dear Therapist: When I Bring Up Anything Serious, My Boyfriend Falls Apart
The problem:
I have an ongoing issue with my partner of seven years. If I ever bring up a “serious” topic, he won’t just resist talking about it, but have something bordering on a panic attack before shutting down completely. He’ll then need to detox for hours by being alone before he’s good to talk about anything again, even minor things like what’s for dinner.
Identified pattern:
You’re doing something similar with your partner. He gets anxious and leaves the room, and to avoid causing him more distress, you let the conversation drop. You’re both afraid of something—he, of the topic; you, of upsetting him. So you collude in his avoidance by not bringing it up even after he’s recovered.
That sunday
Two weeks ago, we sat at the edge of the dock with the sunset minutes away from the horizon, my teary eyes burning straight into your precarious soul. You knew I was sick of the deflection whenever I probed the bigger questions, yet you stonewalled me again. “This is not the time, please. I want to leave.” You wanted out—not just in the moment, but in the conditional future.
Shouldn’t this be easier if we both want the same things? I was confused but more upset by his reaction.
Wanting the same things doesn’t guarantee achieving them. It just meant sharing a dream and hoping that, by some miracle, we’d get what we wished for. Refusing to let the same script unfold, I pushed through with blurry vision, aware that audiences in pairs were surrounding us to watch the tangerine skies. “Let’s start with definitions…” We shared the same vision, but clearly carried it in different weight.
As it turned out, you required a gradual approach to big topics, and setting provisional deadlines felt arbitrary and overwhelming. Neither of us likes being commanded or monitored. And yet, I constantly think of our future in quiet moments; what about you? Things don’t just fall into place and good outcomes require planning. “What if we set up weekly catch-ups to talk about it? Both the big picture and the day-to-day?”
We did eventually ended the talk similar to the therapist’s suggestion, otherwise I’d be telling a very different story.
“I love you so much, and it’s upsetting to see you get so anxious when I bring up certain topics. But I also want us to have an intimate and long-lasting relationship, and a relationship in which we can’t talk about basic life issues, or even more difficult things, won’t be fulfilling for either of us. It won’t allow us to be close to each other or feel truly safe with each other if so much is floating unsaid in the air between us.
We are both impulsive with our words and spontaneous with our plans. Part of it is that we believe in endless options for either of us.