Here’s a recount of last night’s nightmare—a literal shock dream—which I’ve finally been able to decipher. Fully aware this sounds much lamer than what most people imagine nightmares to be, this exact yet slightly varied scenario has played out so many times that putting it into text feels like a relief–unlike most dreams that fade into a lingering impression after my morning piss.
Tossing and turning
It was early in the morning, between 7 and 8, before my parents left for work. I was my present self, not a younger version, having breakfast at the diner table. Instead of heading to work, I somehow knew I was supposed to go to school. And that’s when panic set in, “I am late.”
(I knew) I’d woken up early but somehow, hadn’t been watching the time. I was frantically calculated the fastest way to class, and stressing over what I was missing. t sent me screenshots to the answer key. “What a thoughtful friend,” was my initial thought, only to discover it was math class.
While I never hated math, I’ve grown far more insecure about it since committing to the liberal arts. It was the one subject skipping class wasn’t an option. I learned the hard way ¹ that taking shortcuts ruined my grasp of the core logic and messed up my comprehension to the interconnected principals.
Dashing out the door, I was already coming up with excuses and cringing at the embarrassment of walking into the classroom late. I had never missed a day of school in my life, let alone been late on the first day. To make matters worse, I was mortified I’d forgotten my lunch in the fridge, so I took the elevator back up.
Back up upstairs, a realization dawned on me that nothing was packed which only exacerbated matters. On a whim, I grabbed a packet of udon, miso and leafy greens, naively convincing myself I could cook them using the hot water dispenser.
By the time I reached the classroom, math class was over, alongside the quiz that I was given a 0 on. Right then, I woke up with a clammy scalp.
Clearly, I was stressed about going back to work after a long holiday.
Nightmare themes and my interpretions:
- Math: The one critical skill I failed to acquire in uni, after all the accounting, micro/marco econ classes. I am a math fraud working in fintech.
- Classrooms: The fear of being compared to my peers.
- Quizzes: My abilities constantly being challenged (at work).
- Mornings: Am I optimizing my 8+8hrs the minute I wake up?
- Forgetting things: There’s always a list at work, on my desk, in my mind.
- Being late: Time is catching up on me and people are keeping tabs.
- Me being me: I will never escape the literal nightmare I had as a student, even as an adult.
Footnotes
- True fact: I failed the standardized entrance exam, cuz I'd memorized math instead of understanding it. Seven months later, I unlearned two years of math and scored the highest I ever could on the AST. Still, I chose to study liberal arts afterwards.