★★★★☆
I am not upset that this movie is a cancer movie, nor that it seems to force heteronormative ideas onto feminists and their bodies. Florence’s character, Almut, works in a traditionally male-dominated role, is likely bisexual, and once rejected the idea of having kids. She chooses instead to prioritize her career and chase accolades. Years later, she falls in love with Tobias, played by Andrew Garfield, who complements her flaws, rounds out her edges, and is apologetic, shy, soft-spoken, and attentive to detail. (Calling him a coward is just sexist.) He later picks up the courage to ask Almut about having kids, because he sees a larger future and she agrees (partly due to a fear of regret?).
Why are we spinning this into a narrative where a woman can’t have it all? Where choosing to have a family means she’s surrendered to the system. That somehow, having a successful career, exploring her identity, and raising a family are viewed as her ultimately settling.
The reversal of gender roles and traits—Almut’s deep voice and Tobias’s gentler, mousy demeanor—is for the audience to ponder: if a woman can “be the man” professionally, can she also embrace her role as a mother? Will she be a good one? Why can’t Tobias instead be the caretaker, the stay-at-home dad, rather than the absent father? The story also throws in another twist—cancer—complicating her decisions about what to prioritize. With whatever energy she had left, I think she fought fiercely for both, as both represent truths and roles she consciously chose to embody.
Moreover, Almut is definitely not the type to be told. She chose to go through pain (ie., partial hysterectomy and IVF) to have their kid and continue to excel as a chef. Only when the doctor told her, It’s okay not to be okay, she realized she didn’t have to put up a brave front all time, especially not with Tobias.
As a viewer, I root for Almut and admire her courage to juggle both worlds even in her final stages. At the same time, I find Tobias’ understanding and support deeply moving, especially holding back from lamenting over pressing time. The emotional turmoil towards the end, the fight when Tobias finds out Almut’s been competing in the Bocuse d’Or, is a necessary frustration. Imagine having to stress over a partner’s late-stage cancer diagnosis and watching them wither away; would Tobias have reacted any other way if not out of love??
Zooming out for a second, what the film succeeds at highlighting the little moments: the subtle jabs, the Jaffa Cakes, the apologies, the absurd birth, the welcoming of new beginnings. It presents two lovers who may not be traditionally compatible, but choose face their troubles together in the moment.
Getting personal
I found the film especially endearing because of its similarities to my own relationship, and it made me hope I could show the same strength if such a tragedy ever befell us. I never imagined being with d, a complete opposite of me. However, what keeps us going is living in the present and tackling each obstacle as it comes. We are both deeply focused on our own pursuits, which can make it hard to plan ahead and sometimes cause us to lose sight of each other when we are too absorbed in our individual paths. But that’s okay. Ultimately, we are two distinct individuals, and as a couple, we simply try to be the best “plus one” to each other.